Friday Night Lights... In Your Brain

As a parent you have got to know your limits. It’s a must or you will become a crazed lunatic parent banging on the car’s dashboard as your teenager has an anxiety attack in the driver’s seat. Ask me how I know ☹.

Every single parent has limits to what they can handle. I was reminded of this lesson during multiple incidents this week. First, I worked with a mom who realized she was a better parent if she had some space between her and her child. She signed her child up for daycare three days a week and immediately felt less stress with the thought of having some time to herself. I was proud of this mom because she understood she had limits in terms of her ability to cope with the day in and out of raising a child on her own. She loved her child, but needed help. Once she made the decision to send her child to daycare she felt relief.

Another example was when I was trying to help my eighteen-year-old son get organized for his Senior year. My frantic mind wants to help him anyway I can, so I hover, ask lots of questions, and think I am helping. My son is bewildered by my actions because I haven’t helped him with school organization since his sophomore year.

Not knowing my boundaries in this situation lead to my son’s frustration and my heightened mom anxiety.

I keep missing my son’s boundary signals and he pushed me away in the most loving way possible.

These experiences got me thinking as to why knowing your limits and setting boundaries as a parent is crucial for a healthy relationship with your child no matter the age. In my son’s example above, it’s a clear explanation.

My beautiful baby boy is a High School Senior. Why wouldn’t I have big mom feelings of anxiety and worry? He also has some complex medical issues which adds to my stress and anxiety of letting him go off into the world.

My mom brain is in overdrive and it’s taking over my rational and calm parent brain. My irrational worry is like fuel to a fire. Actually, it’s lighter fluid. To give myself grace during this time is the start of getting ahold of my big out of control parent feelings. I remind myself that my son is a bit different and it’s normal to be worried. What’s not normal is to prevent him from developing his full human potential.

When I try to fix, ask a million questions, overtalk, and worry, all I’m trying to do is control the inevitable. My son is moving on in the world and there isn’t anything I can do about it.  

I’m parenting from the past by helping him with things that he’s already figured out. I am also parenting from an anxious and fearful future because it’s unknown. The unknown is extra scarry if your child has some sort of challenge like a diagnosis or complex problem.

My mom brain wants to keep everything the same because that feels safe and comfortable. Big changes are hard to mentally manage especially when our kids are doing the changing.

My son has already figured out the daily grind of organization and there isn’t anything I can help him with at this point. When I take a step back and look at the world from his perspective, it’s no wonder he thinks I’m a little bit crazy.

When I dive deeper into my thoughts, my personal worry and anxiety is coming from an out of balanced parent mindset. This mindset keeps me stuck in the past or predicting an unknown future onto my son’s life and the result is out of control parent emotions and actions.

This mindset is fueled by my thoughts and worries which causes anxiety. My brain is being fed by unproductive thoughts of the “how’s, why’s, what’s of future situations that I have NO control of, or way of knowing how things will turn out.

Basically, my emotions are in the driver’s seat without a seatbelt. It’s Friday night lights in my brain and anxiety is on the horizon. The more I think about the past trauma or predict a future that is doom and gloom, the more anxious I feel about my son’s life.

My brain needs a seat belt or boundaries. It’s the only way to get a hold of my big parent emotions.

I first start with taking a step back and focus on my son. I have physical evidence that he can handle his organization because he has above average grades, attends two different high schools, and always asks for help when he needs it. These facts bring my anxiety down because they are tangible. If my son needed help with organizing his day, teachers would be calling, and his grades would be slipping.

It’s no wonder he is bewildered that I am trying to help, he simply doesn’t need help in this area of his life

So, what do we do when it’s Friday night lights in our brains? First, recognize where the biggest parent stressors are in your life at the present moment. If you can’t identify the specific problem, dump all your thoughts onto a piece of paper.

Some stressors are just surface level. For example, you’re stressed about your child school starting. It’s a common stressor for all parents, but let’s be honest you know school has to start. It’s an event that happens every year. Ask yourself why school starting is so stressful. Is it because you’re sad that another year is here, and your child is getting older?

Or is it a deeper thought about how your child’s current school situation doesn’t sit well with you, and a change needs to be made? If your stressor is more than just a phase of life, it will keep nagging at you. Your brain will find ways to alert you about the problem, and that it needs to be attended to.

Once you identify your biggest stressor, start to ask yourself questions to understand how to tackle the problem. In my mom example above, she had been thinking about making a change for a few months. She had a nagging feeling that some time alone would benefit her and help her son in the process.

She noticed when she was with her son, she wasn’t’ fully present or having fun with him because all she could think about was needing time away. This made her feel guilty. Once she identified her guilt and recognized she would be a better mom if she took care of her needs as well as her son’s, her mind cleared. That’s when she came up with her daycare plan. She leaned into her biggest nagging parent problem, faced it by asking questions, and came up with a solution.

Asking questions and figuring out what you can and are willing to do is where you find your limits and boundaries. Understanding you’re human and not a superhero who can do it all, is important on your parenthood journey.

If you don’t understand what your limits and boundaries are, you will parent from a place of anxiety and stress.

So, what is your biggest parent problem today? How will you face it? What questions can you ask yourself in order to figure out your limits and boundaries? What plans can you implement to have a better life?

Also to finish my banging on the car dashboard problem. I am getting driving lessons for my sixteen-year-old so that doesn’t happen again. Apologies were made, boundaries set, driving school called and all is right with the world again.

Big Hugs,

Americ