Difference Between Moms and Dads

There is something about a dad that is unique and special. Many years ago, I read an article in the Wall Street Journal about a research study on the child’s psychological/mindset after the loss of one parent (in a two parent household). Basically, the study compared the differences between the psychological effects on the child when they lost their mother or father. The study was distinctly looking at the child’s mindset and comparing that mindset after losing a mother or a father. Broadly the researchers wanted to see if there was a better parent to lose.

The study followed kids through their young adult lives. Overwhelming results were that the kids felt a bigger hole in their lives because their dads passed away. Not the mom. They were sad about losing their mom’s, but the mindset was different. Each child stated that they missed their dad because he was the one who expected great things from them. They longed for someone to believe in them so much that there was no limit to what they could do.

The article also stated that anyone can play the mom role, but it’s the dad that brings the special sauce to a child’s life. This special “thing” cannot be replicated or reproduced in another human. The child only receives this special from their dad. The mom role can be provided by an aunt, grandmother, etc.

Reading about how children missed their dad's more changed everything about how I looked at my husbands’ parenting choices. It helped me let go of my expectations that he had to parent in the same way as myself. I started to let him be him and it’s been humbling and beautiful to watch him grow into the fun loving dad he was meant to be. I learned to lean on him when I couldn’t fully embrace or handle certain parenting situations.

Fast forward to the present moment in our household.

My son who is 22 years old is leaving the nest. He’s starting his career and going out on his own. My mom instincts and feelings are in high gear and my brain is not being rational therefore feelings are in the driver’s seat.

Added anxiety with a dose of terror that his ICD will go off and shock him at any time during his day is my number one fear. A possible scenario, but also unlikely. Cardiac disorders suck. But my husband, although concerned for our son’s wellbeing, is ready to let him go out into the world. He’s ready for the unknown and he appears more capable to deal with this big step more than I.

So, I’m following my husband’s lead on this one. I am using his special sauce to be our guide. I am dealing with my anxious thoughts by walking in the woods and going to Pilates with my friends. I am taking big breaths and allowing myself to feel the fear but not let it ruin my day.

It’s all I know what to do because what’s the alternative?

Angry feelings thrashing around the house stinging anyone who comes near me. Yuck. That’s no way to live and it’s a terrible example to set for my family.

I’m giving myself grace, understanding and not beating myself up. Allowing big parent feelings in and breathing them out. It’s a balance and some moments it’s all too much.

This is when I remember anxiety is best cut down by getting up and walking towards it.

So, I go find my son and have a chat about his hopes and dreams.

We discuss meal prep and schedules, getting his first gas card and paying bills. Tangible things that I can actually help him with.

Action fuels positivity, and anxiety decreases.

His excitement for his future reassures me. His self-motivation and determination to live a life like the one he grew up in brings me joy. It’s the sincerest form of flattery to have your child want to live a life with similar values to you.

It helps to see him in this mental space and know I had something to do with this young adult going out into the world on his own. I feel at peace that I have been a part of building this human.

It’s just another phase in life that I am learning to deal with.

Letting go is part of the mom job I signed up for and I continue to remind myself it’s all as it should be.

Big Hugs,

Americ